IMG_7481I am what is referred to in France as “a Woman of a Certain Age”.

I graduated from the Magdalene High School for Wayward girls in 1969. On the strength of a show stopping senior talent night performance of the mad scene from Street Car, I fled the provinces for the bright lights of NYC where I had a scholarship in the prestigious American Academy of Dramatic Acting and Culinary Arts.It was there that I met my first husband, a swarthy method actor who looked really great in a white t-shirt and who promptly left me when he was offered a role as a background extra in George Romero’s “There’s Always Vanilla” (1971). Romero considers this his worst film. Husband #1’s career did not survive and he was lost to history until they found him dead of acute alcohol poisoning on his parents estate in the Hamptons. There was a will and insurance. Fortunately for me, I had been too poor to afford a divorce.

Despite this bad end to my initial foray into an attempted long term relationship, I’ve been married 5 times. The won/lost stats are: 2 deaths, 2 divorces and an annulment.

Between the 2nd dead (heavily insured) husband, who was eaten by a Kodiak Bear, and the 3rd marriage (annulled), I had a tempestuous affair with a highly placed government official who bit off my left index finger in the throes of passion. Since I am right handed and do not play any musical instruments, this has not resulted in a significant handicap. In retrospect, the monthly checks I receive to keep the incident out of the media are a welcome supplement to a comfortable income from the 2 dead husbands which is being expertly managed by ex – husband #3, a savvy investment broker and Elvis Impersonator who forgot he was gay for 12 hours between August 27 and 28, 1976. We are still close friends and he continues to manage my financial affairs.

The last two marriages ended in divorce owing to: 1. infidelity (him) and 2. infidelity (me). I have always had a fondness for the gentlemen and I do love to make them happy. I live next to Ruthie in the trailer park, preferring the simple life and the company of the “parkies”. Ruthie is my BFF!!

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